We’ve all seen them—those overly cheerful Instagram captions: "Just think positive!" "Everything happens for a reason!" "Happiness is a choice!"
At first glance, they seem harmless—maybe even inspiring. But what if this relentless push for positivity is actually making us feel worse?
Welcome to the world of toxic positivity: the belief that we should only focus on the "good vibes" while suppressing any "negative" emotions. And spoiler alert: it’s not as healthy as it sounds.
What Is Toxic Positivity? (And Why Does It Backfire?)
From a psychological standpoint, emotions aren’t just fleeting feelings—they’re signals. Anger tells us when a boundary has been crossed. Sadness helps us process loss. Anxiety can alert us to real threats.
But toxic positivity shuts all that down with a forced smile and a "Just stay positive!"
Real-Life Examples of Toxic Positivity
-
Friend venting: "I’m so overwhelmed at work."
- Toxic response: "Just be grateful you have a job!"
- Better response: "That sounds really tough. Want to talk about it?"
-
Breakup grief: "I’m devastated."
- Toxic response: "Everything happens for a reason! You’ll find someone better!"
- Better response: "Breakups are the worst. It’s okay to feel this way."
-
Anxiety struggles: "I’m really stressed about this."
- Toxic response: "Just don’t worry! Positive thoughts only!"
- Better response: "Stress is normal. What’s one small thing that might help?"
See the difference? One dismisses, the other validates.
The Psychology Behind Why It’s Harmful
Research shows that suppressing emotions (aka emotional invalidation) can lead to:
- ✔ Increased stress (your feelings don’t just disappear—they fester)
- ✔ Lower self-esteem ("Why can’t I just be happy?")
- ✔ Shallow relationships (if you only show the "happy" version of yourself)
Psychologist Susan David puts it perfectly:
"Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life."
You can’t selectively numb emotions. If you suppress sadness, you also dull joy.
How to Spot (and Stop) Toxic Positivity
- Swap "Look on the bright side!" with "That really
sucks."
Sometimes, people don’t need solutions—they just need to feel heard. - Embrace the word "AND"
You can be stressed about work AND grateful for your job.
You can be heartbroken AND know you’ll heal.
Life isn’t black-and-white—it’s messy, and that’s okay. - Normalize "negative" emotions
Instead of: "Don’t cry!"
Try: "It’s okay to cry. Let it out."
Instead of: "Just stay positive!"
Try: "This is hard. How can I support you?"
Positivity Without the Toxicity
Real mental wellness isn’t about slapping a smile on every problem—it’s about feeling your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones.
So next time someone tells you to "just be happy," remember: you’re allowed to be human.