As a psychologist, I often find myself sitting across from adults who are grappling with the same question: Why am I like this? They might be struggling with relationships, self-doubt, or a pervasive sense of unease. And more often than not, the answer lies not in their present circumstances, but in the distant past in the way they were parented and the childhood they experienced.
Parenting is one of the most profound influences on a person’s life. It’s the first lens through which we see the world, the first mirror that reflects back to us who we are. And while no parent is perfect (nor should they be), the way we are raised leaves an indelible mark on our adult personality. Let me take you on a journey through some of the ways this manifests, with stories that might feel all too familiar.
The Overachiever and the Perfectionist
Meet Y, a 32-year-old lawyer who came to therapy because she felt like she was “never enough.” She worked 80-hour weeks, yet still lay awake at night replaying every mistake she made. As we explored her childhood, a pattern emerged. Her parents were loving but demanding. They praised her for her achievementsher straight A’s, her trophies, her scholarshipsbut rarely acknowledged her efforts or her emotions. The message she internalized was clear: You are valued for what you do, not for who you are.
This is a classic example of how conditional approval in childhood can lead to perfectionism in adulthood. Y's relentless drive wasn’t just about ambition; it was about survival. She had learned early on that love and acceptance were tied to performance. As an adult, she carried this belief into her career, her relationships, and even her self-talk.
The People Pleaser and the Invisible Child
Then there’s J, a 40-year-old teacher who described himself as a “doormat.” He couldn’t say no to anyonehis colleagues, his friends, even strangers. He was exhausted, resentful, and deeply unhappy. In therapy, J recalled growing up in a chaotic household with an alcoholic parent. To keep the peace, he learned to be quiet, accommodating, and invisible. His needs didn’t matter; his role was to keep everyone else happy.
J's story illustrates how childhood emotional neglect can shape adult personality. When children are taught that their feelings are unimportant or burdensome, they often grow into adults who struggle to assert themselves. They become people-pleasers, prioritizing others’ needs over their own, because that’s what kept them safe as children.
The Rebel and the Controlled Child
On the other end of the spectrum is M, a 28-year-old artist who described herself as a “black sheep.” She had a strained relationship with her parents, who were strict and authoritarian. They had clear expectations for her lifecollege, a stable career, marriagebut M rebelled at every turn. She dropped out of school, moved across the country, and pursued a life that was the opposite of what her parents wanted.
M’s rebellion wasn’t just about defiance; it was about autonomy. As a child, she felt suffocated by her parents’ control. As an adult, she overcorrected, rejecting anything that felt like authority or constraint. While her independence was admirable, it also left her feeling isolated and disconnected.
The Secure and the Nurtured Child
Of course, not all childhood experiences lead to struggle. Take A, a 35-year-old who came to therapy not because he was unhappy, but because he wanted to understand himself better. A described his childhood as “warm and steady.” His parents weren’t perfectthey argued, they made mistakesbut they were consistently loving and supportive. They celebrated his successes, comforted him in his failures, and gave him the freedom to explore who he was.
As an adult, A had a strong sense of self. He was comfortable with vulnerability, able to form deep and meaningful relationships, and resilient in the face of challenges. His story is a testament to the power of secure attachment. When children feel safe, seen, and valued, they grow into adults who can navigate life with confidence and grace.
Breaking the Cycle
These stories highlight a crucial truth: our childhood doesn’t have to define us, but it does inform us. Understanding how our upbringing shaped our personality is the first step toward healing and growth.
For Y, it meant learning to separate her worth from her achievements. For J, it meant setting boundaries and prioritizing his own needs. For M, it meant finding a balance between independence and connection. And for A, it meant appreciating the foundation his parents had given him while embracing the ongoing journey of self-discovery.
As parents, you have the power to shape your children’s futuresnot by being perfect, but by being present. By offering unconditional love, emotional support, and the space to grow, you can help them become adults who are resilient, authentic, and whole.
And as adults, we have the power to rewrite our stories. We can’t change the past, but we can change how we let it define us. After all, the goal isn’t to be perfect. It’s to be human.
So, the next time you find yourself asking, Why am I like this? take a moment to look back. Not to blame, but to understand. Because in understanding, we find the power to heal and to create a future that’s truly our own.